Struggle: Give children more responsibility, by making chores and tasks a top priority.
Be consistent in your expectations about chores and tasks.
Chores and tasks at home come first, before any other activities, jobs, or homework.
Do not overcompensate, so as to change what was not good in our childhood into something opposite—but still not good. Don’t trade bad for bad.
Do not let your child play Mom against Dad. Mom and Dad need to have a consistent set of expectations for their child. Children must put forth effort to get the things they need and want.
Parents stick together and support each other when child confronts you.
Limits provide the security children need to develop self-confidence.
No, is a fighting word.
Force the children to do most of the thinking. Replace No with Yes.
Thinking words instead of fighting words.
I’m sure that’s true. . . and feel free to __________________
I bet that’s true, too, . . . and
That could be true, too,. . . and
The Strategic Training Session:
Have set up with someone to come and get your child and take them home to their bedroom if for instance you are out shopping and they are being onry. You can give them the choice to go to their room or use a quiet voice. When they choose their room, call the person you’ve chosen and have them come and pick up the child from the store, take them home, and put them in their room. Next time this occurs they are sure to think twice about their decision.
Think about what you say to the children when they are sassy or talk back to you. Do they feel criticized? Most people have a hard time with criticism, even if well intended. Criticism does not bring on long term behavior changes, instead it breed resentment and erodes self-confidence.
It does not pay to discuss problems with children when they are upset, only when they are happy. Listen without defending or judging. When they are done, be sure to say, Thanks for sharing.
Eliminate criticism, help child express his real feelings, help them find new words to express how they feel.
Empathy with consequences forces a child to think about his or her mistakes instead of being mad at the parent.
Children must have control we want them to have. Don’t keep reminding them of things they need to do. When they suffer the consequences they will think about their choices. Maybe ask them, what are you going to do? This makes them think about how to solve their issue, so it doesn’t happen again. It’s their problem. Don’t punish them for their mistakes by taking things or privileges away, this will change the situation from a child who is a thinker to a child who wants to fight. We must give equal parts of consequences and empathy.
Deciding how much control and how much freedom to give and when to give it.
Some children start out with to much control, they become angry and act out. When the parent places limitations on them they become more angry. They feel they are being robbed of something that is rightfully theirs.
Parents need to give out control in increasing amounts.
Birth - Toddler: mittens or gloves – chocolate milk or white milk
Elementary: soccer team or swim team – how to spend their allowance
Junior High: study after school or in the evening
High School: just about everything
Leave Home - Adult: everything
This creates healthy and loving families.
The inverted V causes children to tantrum. When the rules are tightened the child is constantly angry due to loss of privileges and control and is always saying, it’s not fair, you are always treating me like a child.
Children need to have the opportunity to make decisions, within structure.
Each year the child gains a little bit more control than the last year.